How to Survive the Next 100 days: Ten Easy Survival Tips
By William Hausdorff and Eric Segall
President Donald Trump (three words that in a sane world
would be the dictionary example of an oxymoron) just completed his first 100
days in office. Social media writers have poured forth summaries, takes, and
opinions about this surreal stretch of mismanagement and incompetence (with a new Verdict essay by Mike Dorf focusing on legal incompetence). Rather
than look backward, however, we felt it might be helpful to provide hints for
how to survive (better) the next 100 days. We should note at the outset that this
is no easy assignment.
Your two authors have been friends a long time and made it
through Watergate, the Iran Hostage Crisis, the Iran/Contra scandal, Bush v. Gore, 9/11, and last November 8.
No warranties, but here are ten small suggestions for trying to maintain some
degree of sanity through the second hundred days of the man who did not think
being President of the United States would be a hard job.
1. If you use Twitter personally and/or professionally, the
best bet is to simply never look at it between midnight and lunchtime. That one
fleeting gander is often just too painful for late nights (wards off sleep),
and the first awakening moments (too jarring and ruins the rest of the day).
2. Some of us might like to but just cannot ignore the
Supreme Court altogether (it is our work) and for many letting go of Judge
Garland would require expensive and time-consuming therapy. The answer is to
find silver linings in RBG's vigor, Clarence Thomas' silences (it would be more
painful if he spoke), and the fact that, although Gorsuch is likely going to be
terrible (the Mr. Freeze of the Supreme Court), he is no Bill Pryor. Although
Gorsuch swears allegiance to “the law” (which obviously will not help him in
most hard cases), that is better than Pryor’s dogmatism about
Roe v. Wade (the “worst abomination
in the history of constitutional law”), and Pryor’s southern affection for
ruling against criminal defendants, especially capital defendants) at every imaginable turn
(28 of 28 capital defendants have lost where there was a reported decision
involving Judge Pryor).
3. During the next 100 days, there will likely be a lot of
talk about “Emoluments,” “travel bans,” “injunctions” and “appeals.” Trump will
tweet a lot (see hint 1) about unelected judges ruining our country. The best
bet here is to focus on the wins (lower court judges are thwarting Trump’s
tantrums left and right), and hope Justice Anthony Kennedy keeps swaying
further and further away from the Republican Party.
4. There is little question that Trump poses an enormous
risk to world peace and there is little solace to find in his Pyongyang-esque ravings.
However, as to domestic peace and prosperity, you might sleep just a tad easier
knowing that in all likelihood our current Vice-President is far worse than the
Tormentor-in-Chief. As one of us observed a
while back, the former shock-jock, Mulan-hater, woman-despiser, same-sex
marriage punisher Pence, as President, might just appoint folks like Huckabee,
Falwell, Jr., and Robertson to key government positions, not to mention his own
wife as Chief of Staff because apparently this pious VP can’t trust himself
around women at mealtimes. It is a slender reed but domestically, it could be
worse.
5. To mark his first 100 days, Trump held a rally in
Pennsylvania where he blatantly lied about the arena being full and people
being turned away outside, compared immigrants to a vicious woman-killing
snake, promised over and over that the wall will be built (yes it will, yes it
will) and lambasted the “failing New York Times,” and the “fake news media.”
His performance was chilling to the bone. So, and this is key, for the next 100
days, at least, do not watch him on television. Doing so will evoke a serious
and unhealthy physiological reaction including elevated cortisol levels, high
blood pressure, nausea, excessive sweating, and possibly uncontrollable urges
to blurt out strings of four letter words. Nothing to see and no real cure for
the exhaustion and depression to follow. You will be tempted but just say no.
6. Adopt a new
country and follow its politics closely. Pick places where elections have
recently or will shortly introduce new signs of hope in the country, such as
France (unless it implodes in ten days), Canada, Germany, the Netherlands,
Colombia, Tunisia, and Gambia. Conversely, avoid reading about countries
with relatively recent changes in government that are bound to disappoint in
the near term (e.g., the UK, Brazil, Poland, Turkey, Philippines). If you are really stressed you might want to
focus solely on Icelandic politics.
7. If foreign affairs is not your thing, start paying
attention to politics in those states where interesting things might be
happening. We suggest focusing your attention on states such as
California, Hawaii, and Washington, where state officials appear to relish
challenging Trump administration policy pronouncements on immigration,
sanctuary cities, global warming etc.
Conversely, avoid listening to the news from states such as Florida,
Alabama, Kansas, Texas or Maine. Each
has crazed, bizarre figures or extreme zealots playing the role of governor,
and frankly they are not likely to be a source of pleasure in the near term.
8. There is
considerable evidence that language structure can affect how you think, so
banish certain words from your vocabulary (and thus from your thoughts) for the
next 100 days when you refer to the current White House occupant. Avoid…
--any noun ending in “…ick”
--“malvado payaso naranjo” (if you’re thinking in Spanish;
otherwise just avoid “evil orange clown”)
--“hoser/hosebag” (if you’re thinking in Canadian)
--“Bannon”
9. Take perverse
pleasure in any articles that contain the words “Jared” and “portfolio” since
they are obviously absurdist farces devoid of content. As many observers have pointed out, his
supposed “portfolio” is so ridiculously large that Jared clearly is spending
his time building his business anyway. Focusing on Jared is a bit unpleasant,
but much less painful than directing attention towards his much less funny
father-in-law.
10. Finally, if you
really must follow the news cycle, subject anything Trump says or tweets on a
topic to a minimum 3-day quarantine period in which you pretend it simply
didn’t register. We have already learned
the pattern: if outrageous, it will be widely lambasted by the adults in the
room on the second day, and then on the third or fourth day it will be
withdrawn accompanied by “I didn’t realize” or “you see, it worked,” or our
favorite “this is harder than I thought.” At that point the “real”
policy—usually the status quo--will likely be clearer and you can tune in
again.
Bonus advice: New Zealand has a lot going for it.